With Nasty, Big, Pointy Teeth!
by Spawn of Kong
Summary: Captains Sparrow & Barbossa and the crew of the Black Pearl have arrived at a cave that leads to the Fountain of Youth, only to find its entrance guarded by a creature so foul and cruel, that no man yet has fought with it and lived!
1. Introduction

**Summary:** Captains Sparrow & Barbossa and the crew of the _Black Pearl_ have arrived at a cave that leads to the Fountain of Youth, only to find its entrance guarded by a creature so foul and cruel, that no man yet has fought with it and lived!

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**Disclaimer:** I don't own either _Pirates of the Caribbean_ or _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_; I just enjoy writing them together. 

This is one way of killing time in between writing my Big Epic _PotC_/_Kong_ crossover and keeping the rest of my life in order. The idea for this story just popped into my head one day and refused to go away. Thus do I now inflict it upon you in turn. ;-)

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**Introduction**

"Feast yer eyes, mates," said Captain Jack Sparrow. "Soon we'll be drinkin' to our respective immortalities before you can say, 'antidisestablishmentarian.'"

The crew, his rapt audience, frowned in confusion at that last word – no doubt trying to actually say it themselves – before shrugging, and then cheering enthusiastically at their Captain's words. Jack, for his part, was only too happy to bask in the spotlight he had created for himself. At last, things were the way they should be: he had had a brief scare when his ship had sailed away from Tortuga, leaving him with a dinghy instead of the magnificent galleon that was the _Black Pearl_. In the end, though, Barbossa had no choice but to come back and find Jack, when he realized the slippery pirate had stolen the main body of the navigational charts. Upon Jack's return aboard the _Pearl_, the two men, forming an uneasy truce as co-captains, had no trouble locating their mutual goal: Aqua de Vida, the Fountain of Youth, located on the legendary island of Bimini; the very island beside which the _Pearl_ now lay anchored.

From his place at the helm, Jack turned his head to see Barbossa behind him, leaning against the railing – he flashed a forced smile his way, causing Jack to grin inwardly even more. The only thing he loved more than being Captain of the _Pearl_ was getting under Barbossa's skin in the process.

"So, Jack," Barbossa said suddenly, "ye fancy yerself a man of valor, do you?"

Jack was caught off guard only for a moment before responding: "Course I do!" Then, after a moment: "Why would I want to be?"

Barbossa rolled his eyes as if in frustration, but couldn't contain his smug grin. "Well now, even after stealin' me charts from under me nose, it seems ye couldn't be bothered to look over them as thoroughly as I have." Satisfied with Jack's perplexed expression, he continued, now to the rest of the crew as well, who had fallen silent at this development.

"Ye see, Jack, the Fountain of Youth _does_ lie on this here island, there be no question of that. But, to get to it we must first enter a cave; the dreaded _Cueva de Conejo_, the entrance of which be guarded by a creature so _foul_, so _cruel_, that no man yet has fought with it and lived!"

Several members of the crew blanched, and even Jack looked slightly less cocky than he had before. But Barbossa had not yet finished; as he spoke, his voice became increasingly manic.

"Bones of a full fifty men lie strewn about its lair! So, lads, if any of ye be doubtin' of yer courage, or yer strength, ye'd best not be goin' any further than this ship. As fer those of us goin' ashore, know now that death awaits us all...with nasty, big, pointy teeth!"

Jack blinked at his colleague's final declaration. _What an eccentric performance_, he couldn't help thinking to himself.

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**A/N:** Yes, I slipped in a deliberate reference to _Blackadder_, just for the heck of it. 

To Be Continued...


	2. Cueva de Conejo

Hey everyone, thanks for all the reviews so far. I know I'm having a lot of fun writing this, and I'm glad you're all having just as much fun reading it. :D

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**Chapter One: _Cueva de Conejo_**

The group that went ashore numbered twelve altogether. In the lead walked the two competing captains, Jack Sparrow & Hector Barbossa. Behind them were the two bumbling pirates Pintel & Ragetti, followed by the dwarf pirate Marty, the mute Cotton & his translating parrot, the former Marines Murtogg & Mullroy, and three new recruits Barbossa had picked up in Tortuga before abandoning Jack.

Before them, at the bottom of a small hill, stood the ominous _Cueva de Conejo_. The sense of foreboding would probably be nonexistent if it was just the cavern itself, surrounded by ferns growing out of the cliff face into which the cave led. The ground leading up to the entrance looked equally pastoral, covered in healthy green grass. But amongst this grass lay a vast collection of human bones, picked clean and bleached by the sun. Many of them were broken into fragments, but all hinted that their owners had met violent ends.

Jack sensed the crewmembers behind him and Barbossa starting to stiffen with fear, and decided it was up to him to set an example for them all. He stood tall and began to stride confidently towards the cave.

"Right," he said casually. "You lads keep me covered."

"What with?" Ragetti asked. Jack paused, before deciding to reply: "Just keep me covered. Savvy?"

"Too late!" said Barbossa. Jack jumped in surprise, and then backed away quickly to rejoin the others. "There he is," Barbossa continued, pointing to the cave mouth.

At first, Jack didn't see anything. Then, he caught a glimpse of...something – something _moving_. He could feel his body tensing up, ready to retreat at a moment's notice, as the moving shape emerged from the cave, revealing itself to be...

...A fluffy white rabbit, with pink eyes and a little pink nose. This it twitched quizzically at the pirates standing twenty feet away from it, until it lost interest and began to poke its head through the grass. Jack relaxed for a moment, only to stiffen again. Yes, what he had seen coming out of the cave was merely a stray rabbit, but it was only a matter of time before the real terrible beastie lying within the cave would appear. Jack quickly glanced at Barbossa, whose eyes remained focused on the dark hole in front of them.

After a few seconds, Jack couldn't help but ask. "Where?"

Barbossa did not shift his gaze, and instead simply said, "There."

Jack followed the man's gaze, frowning. "What, behind the rabbit?"

"It _is_ the rabbit."

It took another few seconds for Jack and the others to process Barbossa's words. Once they had, however, any terror the men may have felt quickly vanished.

"You silly straggly-bearded sod!" was all Jack could think to say. "You got us all worked up!"

Barbossa turned his eyes away from the rabbit to look at his companions. "But this be no ordinary rabbit, lads," he said, as if it was obvious. "According to the charts, that there be the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you've ever set eyes on!"

Jack was having none of it. True, he had seen enough in the past to realize that danger was not always obvious – while it could be in the form of things as horrifying as skeletal pirates or mutant fish-people, it could also be lurking within such mild-mannered vessels as people like Cutler Beckett, or Elizabeth Swann (he'd especially learned that last bit the hard way). But, as far as he could recall, he had never come across anything dangerous that looked as adorable as this fluffy little creature, now blissfully nibbling the grass around it as Jack and the others scoffed at Barbossa's claims about its nature.

"You tit!" Mullroy exclaimed, "I soiled my trousers, I was so scared!" Indeed, Jack noticed, the budding pirate's trousers now sported a dark stain on the front that he didn't remember seeing there before.

Barbossa, despite the criticisms of the crewmembers, remained undaunted. "Look, lads, that there rabbit has a vicious streak a mile wide; it's a killer!" His words were met with cries of "Get stuffed," and "Oh, yeah?" and, in Mullroy's case, "What's he do, nibble your bum?"

Barbossa's voice took on the tone of a schoolteacher quickly losing patience with the particularly dense pupils in his class: "He's got huge sharp...he can leap about..._ look at the bones!_" he finally exclaimed in frustration.

Jack decided he'd had enough of this weirdness. "Go on then, Mr. Arrow," he barked to one of the newer recruits, "chop its head off; show our dear Barbossa just how terrible his little beastie can be, eh?"

"Aye, captain," Arrow replied boisterously, "silly lil' beater, that thing. One rabbit stew comin' right up!"

As Arrow walked towards the rabbit, Jack turned to Barbossa, eager to see the expression on his rival's face as he was proved wrong. Barbossa, however, pointed at the rabbit. "Look!"

Jack heard a squeaking sound, and then, as he turned back round, a scream. He stared, dumbstruck: the rabbit, in the space of a second, had leaped onto Arrow from ten feet away, and was now looking up from the bloody mess where Arrow's head had been. The man's body fell to the ground alongside the severed head, and the fluffy killer landed in the grass, its lips flecked red with blood,

Somewhere in the back of Jack's mind, he felt truly annoyed that Barbossa had been right, but he ignored the feeling. "Jesus Christ!" he yelled, jumping back. He could hear Barbossa saying, "I warned ye," and then, from Mullroy, "I've done it again!"

"I warned ye," Barbossa continued to Jack, "but would ye listen to me? Oh, no, ye knew all along, didn't ye, Jack? Oh, it's just a harmless lil' bunny, isn't it?"

Once again, Jack decided that he'd had enough, and that he'd better make an example of himself for the rest of the group. "Oh, shut it!" he said to Barbossa. "Right, then, mates, that was just one man he was facin'; let's see how he does with all of us together. Charge!" He and his men drew swords and threw themselves to the rodentious carnivore.

Later on, all any of the survivors of that fierce battle could remember was a blur: swords clashing, men screaming, a furry white shape rocketing in every direction; and throughout it all, that terrifying squeak, like some demented Greek chorus. After about twenty seconds of this, Jack felt is was time to change tactics, and embrace the oldest and noblest of pirate traditions: "Run away!" The surviving men were only too happy to obey.

Once safe back aboard the _Black Pearl_, everyone was able to relax. Barbossa was already there, and after laughing his head off at Jack's miserable campaign, he joined his fellow pirates as they discussed their next move.

"Well, we can't risk another frontal attack," Jack decided, "that rabbit's dynamite!" The men nodded in agreement. "Would it help to confuse it if we retreated even further?" asked Mullroy. "Oh, shut it," Jack replied, "and go and change your trousers." He shook his head, wishing his old friend Gibbs had joined him instead of staying in Tortuga; he might not have been able to come up with anything good, but at least he could still think of a more intelligent plan.

"Let's taunt it!" Ragetti piped up. "It might get so angry that it'll make a mistake." "Like what?" snapped Jack. Ragetti paused for a moment, thinking, then gave up.

Beside him, Pintel spoke up; a sudden thought coming to him: "What about the Golden Hand Grenade?"

"Aye, of course!" Barbossa exclaimed. "The Golden Hand Grenade of the Brethren! 'Tis one of the sacred pirate relics carried by Captain Teague, the Keeper of the Code." "Lads," he continued, shouting to everyone aboard, "set sail for Madagascar!"

As the crew prepared to sail, Jack's heart sunk. It looked like he would be seeing the Pirate Lord of Madagascar again sooner than he had hoped.

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To Be Continued... 


	3. The Golden Hand Grenade

**A/N:** I realized after posting the previous chapter that I had forgotten to specify that the casualties of the battle with the Killer Rabbit consisted merely of Barbossa's other two new recruits; they, along with Arrow, were created for this story purely to be used as bunny fodder. Obviously, anyone familiar with _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_ (in which three similar background knight characters were dispatched by their furry foe) might have figured that out, but it probably is worth mentioning anyway, just in case. :/

Once more, a massive "thank you" to all those who've reviewed.

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**Chapter Two: The Golden Hand Grenade**

Captain Teague, Pirate Lord of Madagascar and Keeper of the Code, was more than willing to assist his son and Barbossa, albeit on one condition: the item they sought from him was so mighty that he must carry it himself, and therefore sail with Jack & Barbossa all the way back to Bimini. Jack & Barbossa, for their part, were more than willing to comply.

And so, it was that the pirates soon found themselves once again standing before _Cueva de Conejo_. This time, the entire crew of the Pearl had joined their two captains. Behind them stood Teague, along with his two wizened assistants, Morgan and Bartholemew, the original writers of the Pirate Codex, which they now carried between them. Accompanying them as well was the dog bearing the key by which to open the massive book.

Before them, they could see their fluffy white enemy, who had already finished the remains of the victims of their last encounter; its little pink nose twitched as it looked back at the returning intruders. This time, however, the pirates knew they had the upper hand, for they had now acquired the most effective weapon possible for dealing with this particular obstacle. Now Captain Teague stepped forward and handed the small box containing said weapon to Jack. He opened it to reveal the relic in all its glory: the Golden Hand Grenade of the Brethren, created during their first assembly, during which time it was blessed by the sea goddess Calypso, before the nine Pirate Lords bound her in human form.

The crew gathered around Jack, and marveled at the sacred missile. "How's it, um... How's it work?" asked Marty eventually. Jack frowned. "Good question." He knew what to do with a regular grenade, but the item he now held must surely require more to be done in order to achieve the desired result. Beside him, Cotton's parrot squawked: "'X' marks the spot!"

"He's right," said Barbossa. "We must consult the Codex," he continued, turning to Teague. Teague smiled in response, and said to his assistants, "If you will, gentlemen, the records of the first gathering of the Brethren, part six – 'The Blessing of the Golden Hand Grenade.'"

He pulled out his guitar and began to softly play as Morgan, after unlocking it and finding the section in question, recited.

"'And Captain Atilla, King of the Brethren presented the Grenade to a bound & gagged Calypso, saying, "O Calypso, queen of the sea and its creatures: though we be near the end of the ritual that will bind ye in yer bones, we ask that ye work yer remaining powers on this hand grenade, so that with it may we blow our enemies to tiny bits in yer honor." And though Calypso was furious, being now mortal she was forced to grant the King's wish on pain of death. And the rest of ceremony to bind her was then performed, and the Pirate Lords rejoiced, and they feasted upon lamb, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats —'"

_Twang!_ One of the strings on Teague's guitar snapped as he glared at Morgan. "Skip a bit, mate," he growled irritably. The old man nodded nervously, and continued.

"'With the feasting over, and the Pirate Lords and their crews thoroughly full and pissed, they began to ask Captain Atilla just how to use the now blessed Hand Grenade, for they had been told that the instructions for its use had been planted in his head by Calypso as she blessed it. Captain Atilla's response is recorded here verbatim: "First, ye must light the Golden Fuse. Then, ye must count to three; no more, no less. (_A pause as someone asks a question_)...Yes, that's right, mate, three is the number ye must count (_Another pause_)...Aye, the number of the countin' must be three (_Yet another pause_)...No, ye drunken lout, ye musn't count to four (_Still another pause_)...No, ye musn't count to two either, unless ye then follow that up with three (_A final pause_)...No, ye bleedin' mongrel, five is right out! (_A gunshot_) Anyone else need a bullet in their heads to help them remember? No? Good.

"'"Now then, once the number three – bein' the third number been reached – then lob ye the Golden Hand Grenade of the Brethren towards yer foes, who, bein' naughty in Calypso's sight, shall snuff it."'" The old man closed the book as Teague said reverently, "So sayeth the Brethren."

"Right," Jack replied. His mind had wandered off a bit during the old man's rambling, but he felt he'd gotten the basic idea. Striking a match off one of his rings, he lit the Golden Fuse, cocked his arm back, and counted: "One...two...five!"

"Three, sir!" Murtogg shouted next to him.

"Three!" Jack corrected himself – his concentration must have been addled somewhat by Morgan's long-winded reading – before throwing the Golden Hand Grenade with all the strength he could muster. It landed inches away from the Killer Rabbit, but this was enough. In the wake of the fiery explosion, the pirates saw with relief that their lagomorph adversary was no more, and the way to the Fountain of Youth was clear – for now.

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To Be Concluded... 


	4. Within the Cave

**A/N, Part I:** First off, I should mention that some of the names of locations have been added and changed in the previous chapters, to make them "fit" more into the world of the Caribbean. The island they are on is now called Bimini (see 2nd author's note at the bottom for more on this), and the Cave of Caerbannog is now _Cuevo de Covejo_ (those of you familiar with Spanish should be able to figure out that one easily). I even considered making the Killer Rabbit a Homicidal Hutia, but decided against it. :-P

Captain Teague's assistants, I decided, should also have names. After thinking about this for a while, I thought it would be amusing but appropriate if they were the pirates who first set forth the Code, Morgan and Bartholemew.

And now, read on!

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**Chapter Five** (_Three, sir!_) **Three: Within the Cave**

Inside the cave, Jack, Barbossa, Teague, and the others made their way down a long tunnel. This eventually opened out into a spacious cavern; the men were now deep within the extinct volcano that formed Bimini.

The pirates spotted something on one of the cavern walls, and as they walked toward it, they found that it was writing, carved on the wall in some foreign language.

"There!" Barbossa exclaimed. "Look, gents!"

"What's it say?" asked Marty. "What language is it?" Pintel chimed in beside him.

Behind them, Teague turned to Morgan and Bartholemew and brought them forward; "You're our scholars," he said.

The two elderly pirates squinted at the writing before them, until Morgan responded, "It's in the language of the Arawak!"

"Of course," said Barbossa to Teague, "it was Sequene, the Arawak chief, who was first said to go looking for the Fountain!" "Of course!" Jack, not to be outdone, said immediately.

"Well, what's it say?" asked Teague. Still squinting, Morgan began to read: "'Here may be found the last words of Sequene, chief of the Arawak.'" Excitement rippled amongst the pirates as Bartholemew continued: "'He who is valiant, and pure of spirit, may find the Fountain of Youth in the Chamber of...Aaaaaarrrrrrggghhh.'"

Jack frowned. "What?"

Bartholemew repeated: "'The Chamber of...Aaaaaarrrrrrggghhh.'" Morgan shrugged and said, "He must have died while carving it."

"Oh, come on!" Pintel scoffed. "Well, that's what it says!" Bartholemew replied defensively.

"Look, mate," said Jack, rolling his eyes and gesturing broadly with his hands, "if he was dyin', he wouldn't bother to carve 'Aaaaaarrrrrrggghhh,' now would he? He'd just _say_ it, savvy?" "Well that's what's carved in the rock!" Bartholemew responded even more huffily than before.

"Perhaps he was dictatin'," Ragetti suggested. "Oh, shut up," grumbled Barbossa.

"Well does it say anything else?" asked Teague. Bartholemew shook his head. "Just 'Aaaaaarrrrrrggghhh.'"

The pirates frowned amongst themselves. "Aaaaaarrrrrrggghhh," some of them said to themselves, trying to figure it out.

As they continued pondering, Ragetti thought he heard something behind them. He turned his head to see, and then screamed. "Ooooooh!"

"No," Pintel said next to him, not seeing what his friend had. "'Aaaaaarrrrrrggghhh,' at the back of the throat."

"No!" explained Ragetti, quivering. "'Ooooooh!' in surprise and alarm!"

Pintel thought about this for a moment, then realized, "Oh, you mean sort of an, 'Aaaaaahhh!'" "Yes, bu-," Ragetti started to say, before going, "Ooooooh!" again, pointing a trembling finger at what he'd seen.

The rest of the pirates turned to see what he was talking, and gasped in horror. "Oh! My God!"

At the end of the tunnel from which they'd emerged into the cavern, there now stood a huge, unpleasant, but fairly well-rendered, computer-generated monster! It roared at them, rolling its many eyeballs as it did.

Morgan, who had stepped forward to see this new menace properly, now stood rooted in terror, and said, "It's the Legendary Black Beast of Aaaaaarrrrrrggghhh!" This last bit may have been part of the creature's title, or it may have been said because at that moment said creature snagged Morgan and devoured him (incidentally leaving Teague having to hold the Pirate Codex with Bartholemew). The pirates didn't know or care. To them, the remaining strategy was obvious; not even Barbossa could disagree with it this time. "RUN AWAY!"

Try as they might to lose the following monster through the labyrinth of tunnels throughout the cave, their pursuer was not easy to evade. Finally, after running as far and as fast as they could, they could go no further. As the horrendous Black Beast lunged for the kill, escape for the pirates was altogether hopeless. When suddenly, and by an extraordinary coincidence...the entire crew of modelers, animators, renderers, and technical supervisors who were assigned to work on the monster, all suffered fatal heart attacks!

As a result of this incredible stroke of luck, the CG peril was no more; the quest for the Fountain of Youth could continue...

...Or, at least it would, were it not for the fact that the loss of the Black Beast forced the writers to make several drastic revisions. This, along with the multiple lawsuits faced by the production for the inexplicably spontaneous demise of an entire 25 percent of the visual effects department, left the studio and the filmmakers destitute, and the whole project had to be halted indefinitely, to the regret of all.

**THE END**

(_Insert obnoxiously cheerful organ music to fill final 20 minutes_)

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**A/N, Part II:** Why end like that? One: Of course I wasn't going to have them actually _find_ the Fountain of Youth. Two: I didn't feel up for doing through the rest of _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_ (I was actually surprised that I decided to go this far with it at all, instead of just having them meet the Killer Rabbit like I'd originally intended). 

There's a bit of historical fact included in the story: the first known person to search for the Fountain of Youth was indeed the Arawak chief Sequene, who had believed stories of it being found in the mythical land of Bimini (hence the name of this story's island), which might have actually been the Bahamas. He and his crew never returned from their journey, but some of his tribesmen back at home liked to think that they had found Bimini and were now living there happily.

I'd also just like to say that, whatever the content in this chapter may imply, I have nothing against CGI. In fact, I'm quite interested in pursuing this form of visual effects as a career. ;-)

And finally, one last thank you to all of those who've taken the time to review this story as it was posted. As a rule, I tend to have some idea of where I'm going with a story when I start writing it, but it's always people's reviews, positive or negative (minus flames) that are the most satisfying and encouraging part of writing this sort of stuff.

Now, back to my epic crossover, _Captain Jack Sparrow and the Island of the Skull_: foresee major rewrites and plot developments ahead. Until next time, thank you all. :D


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